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Miriam (aka @LambdaMom) and I are writing this blog post as a public service announcement, to address a true scourge in modern society. All too often, gymgoers do not know basic gym etiquette:
Me: spends ten minutes finding a complete set of matching plates and set them up on the squat rack where I'm working.
— Miriam Snoyman (@LambdaMom) March 26, 2019
Some guy: comes over, takes some plates, and THEN DOESN'T PUT THEM BACK WHEN HE'S DONE.
Dude. I'm still here. 2 feet away from you. You can see I'm still here.
In response to this pandemic, we move that all gyms institute, immediately, a required exam for gym membership. There shall be no "grandfathering" of existing members; all existing members must submit to the test. Anyone scoring below a 90% should be forbidden from entering the gym until they have taken a "basic human decency in the gym" course.
Gyms: for your convenience, we have provided a set of twenty questions below. This is a multiple choice exam, where each statement can be answered with:
- Required- you must behave this way in the gym
- Recommended- this is good behavior
- Frowned upon- try to avoid doing this
- Forbidden- you will be ejected immediately from the gym
- I'm done chewing this piece of gum, let me put it on this plate Forbidden
- I'm done using the bench, I'm going to put all of my weights away Required
- Oh look, the weights are all jumbled up, let me spend 2 minutes and sort them Recommended
- That person is attractive, I'm gonna snap a photo Forbidden
- I just finished a set of tricep extensions, let me lift my shirt and check out how my abs look Frowned upon
- Curling in the squat rack Frowned upon, unless someone's waiting to use the squat rack, then your life is in your own hands
- Telling someone lifting heavy weights to put them down more quietly Frowned upon
- Yelling like a moron for no reason Frowned upon (we'll also accept forbidden)
- Running backwards on the treadmill Recommended, assuming you take a video and send to me to laugh at
- Doing anything that defies gravity with the cables Same as above, unless someone's waiting to use them
- Walking closely to, or talking to, someone mid-set Forbidden
- Putting a towel down on the bench/machines Recommended (some say required)
- Form checking strangers Frowned upon
- Cleaning up after you spill your protein shake Required
- Farting while squatting Frowned upon
- Laughing at the person who farts while squatting Frowned upon, but perhaps inevitable
- Spitting in the gym Forbidden
- Cheering someone hitting a PR Recommended
- Putting on any form of hand lotion before touching any gym equipment Forbidden